1. Plump your lips

Instantly plump up your lips by sticking them in a vacuum tube. While your friends spend thousands on Botox and painful plumpers, all you have to do is turn the vacuum on. Voila.

2. Make your face glow

There's no need to buy expensive creams and lotions to brighten up that face of yours.

Just rub mud onto your skin everywhere exceptyour face. This subtle change will draw attention right to where you want it. Comparatively, your face will be more beautiful than ever.

It's a simple psychological beauty trick that'll change your skin game forever. The book club will be dying to know your secret.

3. Get rid of excess wrinkles

Getting up there in age? Forget the facelift, just tie your ponytail extra tight every morning, pulling some of that excess skin back with it. You'll feel like a new woman.

4. Apply natural blush

Tired of pinching your cheeks? Use sandpaper to give your cheeks a natural looking redness. I recommend starting with an 80-grit paper, followed up by a fine 240-grit paper. This method also works well for acne removal.

5. Give yourself an in-house pedicure

Dead skin buildup on the bottom of your feet can make any open-toed shoes completely unwearable.

You can't afford professional help. But luckily, you don't need it. Grab the cheese grater from the kitchen and grind away! It's so effective and pleasant, you'll feel guilty for not paying yourself. It might as well be tickle torture.

6. Be eye-catching

Use your choice of craft glitter and dump it right into your eyes. It might be a little irritating at first, but tears will just make you eyes glisten even more.

This may cause temporary or lasting blindness in the long run, but beauty is pain.

7. Reduce extra chins

No more tiring jaw workouts for you! Tape excess chins to the back of your neck using your husband's duct tape.

8. Strengthen your nails

Your nails thrive on calcium, the mineral that gives the nail its strength. One common high-calcium food is cheese. Cheese if often found on pizza. Pizza will strengthen your nails. Eat pizza.

9. Lengthen your eyelashes

Looking for an effective way to lengthen your eyelashes without breaking the bank on synthetic accessories? Go all natural by cutting off some of your own hair (it's a good way to get rid of split ends, too) and then supergluing it to your pre-existing eyelashes.