They throw themselves to the floor for what seems like the thousandth time that day. Feeling frustration rising in your chest, you pick up your squirming child and tell them it’s okay, but they just won’t calm down. You set them back down and take a few deep breaths hoping their tears will soon subside.
Sound familiar? According to the Cleveland Clinic, toddlers typically throw at least one tantrum[1] a day that can last for up to 15 minutes. While it may be difficult to watch your children as they discover and experience more emotions (particularly difficult ones), there are many ways that you can help guide your child’s emotional development.
Be Empathetic
Toddlers are discovering a new range of emotions and sometimes are not able to articulate what they are feeling to their parents. This can lead to even more frustration for both parent and child. Remember one of the best tricks to being patient as a parent is to recognize that the emotions that your child is having are the same tough emotions[2] that you might have and with which you might struggle. Taking some time to create calm within yourself[3] allows you to regulate your own emotions and become better equipped to help your toddler with their own. This also allows you to minimize upsetting emotions that your toddler is demonstrating that might be triggering to you, all while keeping the safe environment[4] your toddler needs in order to settle down. Taking a second to take a deep breath before helping with a tantrum will help you remember and be empathetic[5] to what your child is going through.
Start a Dialogue
Toddlers are just beginning to emotionally develop[6], which makes this the perfect opportunity for you to teach them what emotions are called, what they feel like, and most importantly, how to healthily cope with them. According to Psychology Today, children need to talk[1]about their emotions in order to understand and regulate them. These conversations can be as simple and fluid as identifying the emotions that they feel throughout the day. For example, your toddler is playing with a toy and they can’t figure it out, they lift their hand to throw it, but instead, you help them stop, explain what the emotion is and why they might be feeling it, and then redirect them. Remember that children learn through play, and by teaching your child as they play, they are much more likely to retain these skills[2].
This method might help your toddler gain the building blocks that are necessary to healthy emotional functioning as they grow older.
Give Space for Toddler’s Emotional Experiences
Validation is another powerful tool[3] that you can implement during this sensitive period of emotional growth. According to the Child Mind Institute, validation helps create a safe place for your child to experience and learn about their own emotions without judgment from you and themselves. By allowing them to experience the full magnitude of their emotions, your child can keep all variations of their emotions neutral in their minds. This helps stop the emotional judgment[4] and guilt that might set in for experiencing a “bad” emotion. As a parent, being comfortable with this uncomfortable growth period can be invaluable to your toddler’s emotional development.
Model Your Own Emotions
Children learn by example[5]. While we as parents don’t throw our hands in the air shouting until we get what we want, parents can still have “adult tantrums”. When we don’t display appropriate behavior to our children about emotions, they can pick up on our bad habits. This doesn’t mean that your toddler will pick up all of your bad habits, but it does mean that you have a potentially powerful tool to help them learn coping skills[6], even if you don’t handle a situation perfectly. Even potentially negative situations can be turned positive.
For example, if you are feeling angry, tell your child you are angry, but then show them how to take a deep breath and let it go. Or, if you are angry and shout at your child, sit them down when you have calmed down and apologize. Make sure that they know that you understand what you did wrong. This can help them build empathy and provide a future base for understanding other people outside of themselves.
End With Love
At the end of the day, one of the most important things that your toddler should know is that they are loved. Exploring a whole new world of emotions and experiences can be scary for such a small person, but having someone they know they can always turn to can help toddlers to open up[1] and share their own emotions and experiences in whatever ways they can.
By ending with love, you allow your child a safe space for them to feel all of the big feelings they have. It can also help them develop secure[2] and loving relationships both now and in the future. In addition to this, unconditional love can help your toddler develop their self-esteem[3], self-confidence, and love for themselves as they are learning to be patient with themselves. Emotions are difficult--but knowing you are loved[4] can make all the difference in how you live with them.
Practice!
No parent can be perfect all the time. It is important to be patient with yourself and your toddler. Whether you are a first-time parent or not, every child is unique[5], which means that learning how to best help your child through these tantrum times might be different with every child you have, but having the basics down might save you a few headaches along your parenting journey. Learning to deal with big emotions can be difficult for both adults and children, and it will take effort from both of you, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Learning to communicate[6] together about emotions can help set your toddler on the path to success for their own healthy emotional processes.
And who knows? Maybe as we navigate this journey with our toddlers, we can all learn better ways to cope emotionally together.
