1. Wow. Your stomach is bigger than mine
Wow. I think he was still scraping his knuckles when he walked. Women are extremely sensitive about her body and body part size. Even if it IS bigger than yours, keep that to yourself.
2. I think a face lift is a fabulous idea!
A usual defense of, "She wanted my honest opinion!" and then wonder why the airplane spins and sputters to the ground. There is a difference between honesty and tact. She wants to hear that you wouldn't change a thing. If you don't really feel that way? Look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself why she is still with you.
3. I remember when I first fell in love with you. Goodness! That was a long time ago
Love, as a romantic entity, is considered timeless. While there are moments that marriage feels like an eternity, a wife smiles when she hears her husband say that he feels like "the years have slipped by like seconds". Otherwise, she might be smiling as he slips down the basement stairs.
4. Are you wearing that?
Unless it is her birthday suit, asking this question can only mean one of two things: it's a barbed rhetorical question or you really are expecting to get punched.
5. Boy! They saw you coming!
This statement usually hits after a wife returns from the mechanic. No one likes to feel they were taken advantage of. A husband should be grateful his wife is now driving a safe and solid car. If he's not careful, he might turn into road kill.
6. Sure, I'll babysit
Guys, if they are YOUR children then it is not considered babysitting. It's called raising a family.
7. What is it that you DO all day?
This is especially dangerous if the "love of your life" is standing before you with one kid tucked under her arm another suctioned around her ankle, the sound of whooping Indians in the background, and smoke gently wafting from a lock of singed hair.
8. Of course I'm listening! I can repeat every word you said
Then repeatafter me: hearing something is not listening. A wife needs your eyes and undivided attention. Practice this phrase until it is perfect in her ears and you mean it: Wow! That is really interesting!
9. No one cooks like my Mom
Never compare your wife's cooking to good ol' Mom unless Mom served charred remains meal after meal and you're sincerely grateful for the change.
10. Your sister is hot!
Take a look at number 2 again. Remember honesty and tact? Your wife's image should block out all others. Wait, it physically blocks out all others? Uh oh. Still, don't say this unless you can explain to your sister-in-law why, without provocation, your wife mysteriously walked up to her and kicked her in the shin.
And, as a bonus:
11. There's just more to love!
This usually follows the dangerous declaration of, "I'm so fat!" A woman will ignore the "love" and zero in on the "more." A woman may look large in the mirror, but she wants to feel loved and desired in your heart. The best follow-up to this statement is to take her in your arms and just say, "Honey, you have the body of a Goddess."
Good luck gentlemen. Keep this map handy, your wits about you, and may you be blunder free.
