In our years working with married couples and researching the factors that make a marriage work, my wife Ashley and I have observed a few conflicting mindsets: 1. Every couple wants to have a happy marriage. 2. Most couples don't know how to do it.
To be even more specific, most people think that happiness in marriage is just the result of luck, compatibility, personality traits, money or other factors that some people have and some people don't. They take on this mindset that looks at marital happiness like winning the lottery (with about the same odds), and they settle for a less-than-happy marriage, because they think that's their only option.
I've got some good news for you. YOU can have a happy marriage (and, yes, you can have it with your current spouse)! Don't buy into the myths that happiness requires divorcing and starting over or happiness is just the result of lucky circumstances out of your control. Even if you're already happy, consistently doing these things will keep you happy and probably make you even happier.
I'm firmly convinced that EVERY couple can be healthy and happy if they'll do the following things...
1. Happy couples find reasons to laugh even when life is difficult
Happy couples have hard times and face difficult challenges just like everyone else. The difference that sets them apart is that they allow difficulties to bring them closer together instead of driving them further apart. They also find reasons to laugh through every season of life. They don't look at joy as something they can only experience when circumstances are perfect. They've understood that circumstances are never perfect, but there can still be perfect moments even in the midst of the struggles.
2. Happy couples see their spouse as their best friend
Chemistry, compatibility and even great sex is never enough to keep a couple happy for very long. The happiest couples are great friends with each other. They share every aspect of life together. The know they have a true partner who will have their back through all the ups and downs of life. They keep dreaming together and enjoying the everyday moments together. If you want a happier marriage, start by investing into your friendship with your spouse.
3. Happy couples are part of something bigger than themselves
The happiest couples believe they're creating a legacy that will outlive them and make the world a better place in the process. Raising kids is clearly one big aspect of this, but there's got to be more. I'm convinced that the happiest couples have built their marriage on a foundation of faith and they see love as something that isn't just for a lifetime, but is a God-given gift that can extend into eternity. Faith, world-changing dreams and a shared legacy will keep a couple happy and motivated to see the bigger picture even as they go through the daily grind.
4. Happy couples are quick to forgive
A lack of forgiveness quickly leads to bitterness and happiness can't coexist with bitterness. If you want a happier marriage (and a happier life in general), stop keeping score and stop holding grudges. Let grace flow freely. God offers forgiveness to us freely because of what Jesus did to pay the price for our sins. We're called to give that same amazing grace to each other. When we truly experience the power of forgiveness (both giving and receiving it), true happiness is a natural response.
5. Happy couples don't get caught in the comparison trap
Few things will rob your joy faster than comparing your life to someone else's. It's okay to learn from other people and to be motivated by the example of others, but happy couples have learned that trying to "keep up with the Jones's" is a dead end! Run your own race. Live your own life. Embrace the God-given uniqueness your journey was meant to have. Don't compare your struggles to the highlight reels your friends post on social media. Choose to be content with what you have.
6. Happy couples consistently put the needs of each other ahead of their own needs
The happiest couples aren't always waiting for the other spouse to serve them or make their own life easier. They are serving each other. They're submitting to each other's needs, desires and preferences. They're taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when one feels weak. They have each other's backs! They work together in harmony.
7. Happy couples have learned to be flexible
I'm not talking about "yoga" flexible (although working out more would probably make you happier too). Flexibility in marriage means not being so tied to your rigid agenda that you miss out on the beautiful moments that often come through interruptions in our schedules. It's good to have plans, but it's also important to not let those plans become a prison. Lighten up a little. Happiness will usually follow.
8. Happy couples have no escape plan or exit strategy!
Happy couples don't throw around the word "divorce" in disagreements. They don't fantasize about a life being single or married to someone else. They've learned the beautiful truth that a happy marriage isn't the result of compatibility; it's the result of commitment. The security that comes from a rock-solid commitment provides a solid foundation where true happiness can grow for a lifetime. Renew your commitment to each other and you'll be taking a big step towards a happier marriage!
This article was originally published on Pathoes. It has been republished here with permission.
