Your whole life you wondered whom you'd marry, if you'd even get married or when that dream might come true. Then, in a moment of wonderfulness, you met and fell in love with the person of your dreams. You envisioned a life of excitement, were ecstatic for the future and couldn't imagine your life without him.
And, simultaneously, all that worry and not-knowing quieted down. There was a security in knowing the search was over, the dating game was done and you would never have to go on a blind date again.
This new feeling allowed you to truly be yourselves around each other-no makeup, bed-head, after-gym sweatiness, showing irritation and so on. You've now gotten to see each other, day-to-day, in a variety of situations and have essentially become roommates with benefits. And while this is an absolutely normal and wonderful part of a long-term relationship, if this becomes the norm, it will pretty much kill the reasons you got together in the first place-passion, attraction, excitement.
Take this quiz to see where your relationship lands on the scale between lovers and roommates to discover if a little tweaking might be in order.
1. You can't wait to just go home, change into sweats and watch TV together
After a long day at work or with the kids, there's almost nothing better than getting into comfy clothes and settling in for an hour or two of Netflix. And it's even better if someone's watching with you. However, if this has become your daily norm, you skip sitting by each other and no touching or affection is happening between you two, it's time to re-evaluate your routine.
2. You can't remember the last time you went on an actual date
And I'm talking a real date: a semi-nice restaurant, no kids, not as you're running errands, at least for an hour and something you actually spend time getting ready for. That's a date. Just like the ones you used to go on before you were married. It's absolutely critical to make time for this type of interaction weekly to remind yourselves why you got together in the first place.
3. Sex is basically non-existent and/or you find yourself wondering why it was ever so important
You got together to be lovers not roommates. You could've lived with just about anyone, but you chose your spouse because there was this extra attraction and excitement you didn't feel with anyone else. If you're not having sex and/or feel little to no desire, it's critical to pay attention and make changes. Read books, take classes, get professional help ... Do something because if the reason you got together in the first place goes away, what's left? That's a dangerous place for a relationship to be.
4. You make your own food and eat at separate times
When the craziness of life and schedules creeps in, it's easy to live parallel lives: coming and going, arranging schedules but with little else between you. Lovers will take time, every day, to connect either emotionally or physically or both, even if it's just for 20 minutes. Eating a meal together is a great way to reconnect. And, don't just talk about logistics, talk about each other.
5. You dress up to go out with your girl/guy friends but not for him/her
A girls'/guys' night out is a fun and relaxing way to spend some time occasionally. If, however, you anticipate these nights more than a night with your spouse, you may need to re-evaluate and think about what you're getting out of these outings versus time spent with your spouse. What's missing? Is it the excitement? The energy? And what do you need to do to make a date with your spouse just as great?
6. Your conversations are mostly about scheduling and logistics
As a sex coach and educator, I work with a lot of couples who are good together at parenting, finances, home repair, getting kids where they need to go and so on, but they have lost the skill of intimacy. They've become more like business partners running their family than anything else. Passion and excitement can't exist if these are the types of conversations you're mostly having.
7. You hardly ever go to bed at the same time and/or just fall asleep watching TV
Sex and physical intimacy have a better chance of happening if you're in the same bed, at the time and at a decent hour of the night. If you find yourself avoiding just such a circumstance, I reiterate what I said above: it's time for some soul-searching to figure out why. If it has just become a habit, make efforts to change that habit. The quiet of the evening is a great time to reconnect and cuddle. And, I tell all my clients that a TV in a bedroom in a no-no. It's too distracting.
8. You call him/her your "best friend"
This may surprise many readers, but thinking of your spouse as only your best friend is not conducive to passion. Try describing your spouse as your "lover." Can you do it? Does it feel strange? Have you gotten out of the habit of even thinking of your spouse that way? You can have a million best friends but only one lover.
9. You don't feel the need to impress him/her anymore
It's Saturday night and you've discussed going out for something to eat. Although you've been working in the yard all day or have been to the gym, you decide taking a shower and getting ready would be too much work. And besides, it's just your wife/husband. She/He will understand. Would you have had this attitude when you were dating? Putting some effort and energy into continuing to better yourself physically, intellectually and emotionally creates momentum not only in your own life but also in your relationship.
10. You find yourself jealous of others' relationships or fantasizing about other people
If you're reading an excessive amount of romance novels, going to romantic movies alone or watching other relationships with envy, it could be indicative of a lack of energy within your own relationship. Your relationship can be like the romance novels or the relationships in movies-with some real life thrown in-if you continue to put forth effort and constantly cultivate the lover-aspect of your relationship. It takes work, but the work pays off in wonderfully fantastic ways.
Scoring
Said "yes" to all 10?
You have become roommates. Unless you're both okay with this status, it will be important to take immediate action to make changes.
Said "yes" to three or four?
You're moving into dangerous territory. By recognizing the direction you're headed, you can take steps to re-energize your relationship and bring it back into focus.
Didn't say "yes" to any?
The romantic energy between the two of you is still sizzling. You have found a way to balance the logistics of life and still see each other for the reasons you first got together. Keep it up!
