Valerie Bertinelli is opening up about the lessons she’s learned from past relationships and sharing candid insights about communication, accountability, and emotional growth.
On Monday, the former Food Network personality—who ended her relationship with ex-boyfriend Mike Goodnough in November after ten months—took to Instagram to reflect on what she believes makes a relationship successful.
"When you feel hurt and wronged and know you deserve an apology but are being stonewalled by your partner because they’re feeling shame, maybe this can shift your thinking," she began in an introspective post.
Bertinelli acknowledged that how grievances are brought up can impact whether or not issues are resolved.
"Are you only pointing out what they’re doing wrong, being hypercritical, and expecting them to just fix it? That could be making things worse. Real change never happens through criticism, shame, or pressure. They most likely already feel all that. (I know when I f--- up, oof, do I feel shame).”
She explained that when someone feels attacked, their instinct is often to shut down, become defensive, or feel overwhelmed—especially when their behaviors stem from childhood coping mechanisms.
"They’ll feel judged, like they can’t get anything right, and they won’t really hear you," she continued.
Instead of focusing solely on blame, Bertinelli encouraged a more empathetic approach.
"If you stop focusing on what they did wrong and instead approach with empathy and understanding, everything can start to shift," she advised. "Instead of saying, ‘You always do this!’ maybe try, 'This is how I feel when this happens—can we figure this out together?' That one small change can make a difference."
Bertinelli emphasized the importance of working with your partner rather than positioning yourselves as opponents.
"And hello, I’m not saying this is easy when you’ve been hurt and want to lash out in anger (which is often rooted in fear, grief, or even your own childhood triggers)," she wrote. "But doing it differently may give you a better chance at getting the apology and amends you deserve."
She went on to describe emotional support as a form of love, one that requires effort from both partners.
"Looking for ways to show up for each other is a love language, and it takes two to do it—even when you feel wronged and think they should just know and do better," she continued. "I think we all just want to do better and feel awful when we’ve hurt someone we love. Shame prevents us from thinking clearly. Wouldn’t it be nice to relieve the one you love from shame so they can truly give you the amends you’re looking for?"
Ending her post with self-deprecating humor, Bertinelli acknowledged her own missteps in love.
"Then again, what do I know? I have two failed marriages and fumbled the last true good man I met. Maybe don’t take advice from me," she concluded.
Bertinelli’s introspective comments come three months after her breakup with Goodnough.
The Hot in Cleveland actress first went public with the relationship in March 2024, surprising fans by sharing a playful Instagram post captioned, "I’ll drink what you think, and I’m high from smokin’ your jokes all damn night."
Reflecting on the unexpected romance, Bertinelli told USA Today in March, "It’s unlike any relationship that I’ve ever experienced with a man. He was not on my radar. I was going to die with my six cats and my dog and be incredibly happy doing it. So this came out of left field, and I’m grateful it did. He’s very special."
Bertinelli was previously married to financial planner Tom Vitale from 2011 to 2022, a relationship she has described as "wicked" following their contentious divorce.
Before that, she was married to legendary musician Eddie Van Halen from 1981 until their divorce in 2007. The two remained close until Van Halen’s passing in 2020.
While Bertinelli continues to navigate love and relationships, her recent reflections reveal a woman committed to self-awareness, emotional growth, and learning from the past—missteps and all.
