They say the only stupid question is the one that doesn't get asked, but I beg to differ. Aside from "Who's buried in Grant's tomb?," there are actually 10 questions that are so ridiculous that they don't warrant a response. That being said, I feel it my civic duty to give a response equal to the question that thereby the person might just consider never asking it again.
And now, drumroll, please:
10. The 'are you seriously asking me that?' geographic population improbability question:
Q
"Oh, you're from California? Do you know (insert some insanely common surname here)?"
A
"The Smiths? Of course I know them. They said that if I ever met you to tell you "hello" from them and to give them a big hug." (then proceed to squeeze)
9. The 'our family size is our business' question
Q
"You have 12 kids? How many do you want?"
A
"Only one. Do you have any idea how to stop this from happening?"
8. The 'quick, call the doctor' question
Q
"When are you due?"
A
"I've been ordered by the mother ship commander not to disclose that information."
7. The 'didn't your mother teach you any manners?' question
Q
"So, how old are you?"
A
"I'm (add 45 years to your real age here). I'm testing a new anti-aging cream."
6. The 'other side of the age' question
Q
"So, how old do you think I am?"
A
"Would you like for me to answer that in metric or American standard?"
5. The 'I will have your head on a platter' question
Q
"So, what did you do all day?" (asked to a wife)
A
Give a 45-minute answer, leaving out no details. Include every question the children asked, every butt you wiped, every Band-aid you put on. Start with, "I opened my eyes, I stretched, I went to the bathroom, I washed my face ..."
4. The 'can you possibly still believe that?' question
Q
"Oh, you're a Mormon? How many wives do you have?"
A
Begin reciting every female scriptural name you can think of (start with these: Ruth, Naomi, Rebekah, Esther, Sarah, Leah, Hannah, Mary, Elisabeth, Zilpah, Rachel, Rhoda, Jezebel, Delilah, Martha, Jemima, Hagar, Dinah, Dorcas and Abigail) until they walk away.
3. The 'when was the last time you had your eyes checked' question
Q
"Are your twins (boy and girl) identical or fraternal."
A
"Fraternal. Their father is a cross-dresser."
2. The 'weather lunacy' question
Q
"Is it hot enough for you?"
A
"Not nearly. I usually summer on Venus."
And the number one silly question is ...
1. The 'you can't really be asking me that?' question
Q
"Do you want me to pull this car over right now?"
A
"Oh, do, yes. We could use a good beating to break up the monotony of all this silly sibling bickering and fighting."
And now, the bonus question. I know you weren't expecting more than 10, but I simply can't resist. "So, what did you think of these questions?"
